Grace Blog

Well, in must a day and a half from the moment I'm writing this post, we will be setting up for the start of the 4th Annual Chill in the Hills races.  So far we have just over 220 persons registered, and I haven't counted whatever came in the mail today.  We're getting pretty excited.  Actually, I'm getting pretty anxious.  Did we get everything?  Will all the volunteers show up?  Is it going to be too cold?  Will everybody have a great time?  I know we've been working pretty hard to pull this thing off, and with all the experienced committee members, I suspect my questions are only nervous jitters of a newbie (me).

Anyway, if you are reading this and it is within hours of the start of the race, we'd love to have you join us.  Volunteer, spectate, or even walk or run!  We're expecting lots of fun.

If you are reading this post and it is after the race, I know we will be doing this again next year.  This race is becoming a tradition, and we will maintain that tradition.  Watch for it to happen the second weekend of January.

Walter

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The Chill in the Hills 10K Run - 5K Walk - 1 Mile Fun Run is coming together.  We're still 3 1/2 months away, but a lot of planning is going on to make this the best race yet.  So far, in the past three years, the Chill in the Hills Races have been a great success, and we are planning to continue that trend. 

We've made a few changes that we believe will further enhance the race:

1.  The Start/Finish line will be at Guaranty Bank and Trust Co., at 1900 Cherry Street.  Guaranty Bank is our lead sponsor, and we welcome their invitation to host the race at their location.

2.  As a result of a new Start/Finish location, the race courses will be changed slightly.  The 10K will maintain the same course as before with one exception, we will run further in the neighborhoods adjacent to Glenwood Circle.  The Walk will likely cover the part of the race course that covers Glenwood Circle also.

3.  To go along with the theme of "Chill" in the Hills, we plan to take part in a Chili Cook Off following the race.  That is still in the works, but the race committee from last year felt that it would be an important addition to the race festivities, especially since the awards are Chili Bowls!

You can download a mail-in registration form at our website:  http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com/Fundraiser.html.

We hope to have an online registration process through Active.com running very soon.  We'll also get the race routes posted soon.

Keep in touch.  Hope you plan to join us!

Walter

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As part of my curiosity about how people function (or dysfunction), I have been particularly interested in theories that explain the human experience in terms of their "systems."  In other words, these systems theories talk about how people interact with one another and their environments.  These theories tend to make sense because the ideas described by systems theories remind us that we are intertwined together, for better or for worse.  If I change my routine, my family members feel the effect.  In turn, as they respond to me, they affect me, too.

In my counseling practice, I often see examples of the "Fixes That Fail" concept in systems theory.  This is a concept that describes the tendency we have to find ourselves back in the same problem over and over again.  We keep fixing the same problem, and our fix keeps failing.

I was first introduced to the Fixes that Fail archetype by Peter Senge's book called the Fifth Discipline.  Peter Senge trained as an engineer, originally, but he has later applied his knowledge of properties of physics to human interaction, particularly in the business world.  A friend of mine, Carl Sheperis, and I talked a lot about applying Senge's models to counseling relationships.  It's interesting to see how physics can inform psychology.

Here's an example of what I'm describing.  A person has a desired outcome.  For example, he or she wishes to experience a decrease in stress.  Work seems to be a hassle, the bills keep coming, and the family suffers crisis after crisis.  A reduction in stress would be very nice.  The "fix" is often a quick fix.  We humans have a myriad of options for quick fixes.  For simplicity of this story, I'll just use alcohol as an obvious fix, but we can replace that fix with any of the others and come out with the same failure.

The quick fix is a short term solution that simply band-aids the problem.  For instance, the alcohol can help anesthetize a person from experiencing the worry, stress, or other aggravating symptom.  And it tends to work, that is it works in the short run, for the time being.  In the meantime, the job, the bills, and the family crises continue to bloom.  Not only does this fix ultimately fail, it can also exacerbate the original problems requiring significantly more alcohol to achieve the desired effect.

The solution to the Fixes that Fail archetype involves considering more long-term solutions.  Now this seems obvious with the example I gave, but try swapping the alcohol use with any other quick fix: 

drugs, alcohol, video games, pornography, gambling, sleeping, eating, yelling, fighting, ignoring, depressing, working (on something else), avoiding, escaping, moving, joking, smoking, . . . . . and so on. 

Instead, the long-term solutions may require planning, patience, perseverance, and fortitude.  Often, people find these skills stuffed deep in the fix it bag, and when incorporated, they tend to move things toward the desired outcome.

http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com            

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When I was in a class about small group communications, I was given what I thought was a strange assignment.  Each student was instructed to commit a norm violation and document the results of the experience.  What's a norm violation?  It's the breaking of societal norms, doing something strange, or violating the rules of what is expected.  Now our professor gave us specific instructions to refrain from breaking the law, but outside of that limitation we were free to dream up whatever we wanted.  To document the experience, we had to take with us a few of our classmates to observe and report back their observations as part of the report.

One of my classmates actually put on a tutu and practiced ballet while she shopped in a grocery store.  Actually, to our surprise very few people even acknowledged her presence while she pranced around on her toes, spinning and bowing behind her grocery cart.  That was the first and last time I have ever seen someone ballet dance in the grocery story, much less dressed in a tutu.

For my project, I decided to illicit the support of the youth group from the church where I was volunteering.  It was in the middle of the Summer program, and I attended the regular Wednesday night meeting of the group.  On one particular June Wednesday, I instructed all the youth members to bring their mittens, ear muffs, jackets, and scarves.  Without telling them our plans (I was afraid they would bale out on me), I told them to come prepared for very cold weather.  I guess out of curiosity, they complied with my instructions.  We piled into the church van along with my classmates, and we picked a neighborhood near the church.  As I adjusted the air condition down as low as it would go, I instructed everyone to put on their extra layers.  I told them our plan.  At the first house, we hopped out of the van, ran up to the door, rang the bell, and when the home owner opened the door, we offered seasons greetings with Christmas carols and Happy New Year wishes.

Actually, the experience was lots of fun.  The youth members laughed the whole time, my classmates didn't both taking notes because they were having a blast.  The people at the door sang with us, too!  I just knew the whole thing would be a received as a ridiculous prank, but we were exceptionally well received!  We stopped at several houses until we had to return to the church.

I have remembered the concept of a "norm violation" ever since that Wednesday night because of the transformative nature of the experience.  We COULD do something strange, and it was surprisingly more fun than we anticipated.  We didn't have to do something completely outlandish, just something fun and unexpected.

That same kind of transformative experience often affects others in the same way. 

Have you ever heard of the old saying attributed to Albert Einstein:  "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." 

The norm violation is the antithesis of insanity.  Doing something different and waiting to find out the new result.  Imagine how a norm violation could affect you, your relationship with another person, your outlook on the world around you, or work you do everyday. 

Now, don't get this confused.  Sometimes I hear people say, "I guess I'll just have to try harder."  This sometime means doing the same thing "more."  That only makes more of the same mess in most cases.

Instead, try something actually different.  Stop talking and listen instead.  Stop ignoring and engage instead.  Stop avoiding and challenge instead.

http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month.  

Much like physical health, mental health can be enhanced through exercises and behavior that promote mental healthiness.  I think we forget that good health includes mental well-being, too.  We tend to only think of mental health from a negative perspective.  You’ve heard of someone going “mental?”  But I bet you’ve never heard of someone using the word “physical” when referring to a health related disease.  

“She was hospitalized for pneumonia.  I can’t believe she went ‘physical’ on us.”  

Why do we treat physical health and mental health as different issues?  Actually, physical health and mental health go hand-in-hand.  Good strategies for sustaining physical health are just as important as good strategies for promoting good mental health.

At the time I am writing this post, it is the morning of May 10, 2010.  Think of all the activities that occur in the month of May:  graduations, recitals, baseball, the ending of the school semester and the start of the summer break, and Memorial Day.  May is a very busy month!  And it goes by so fast!  We are already one-third of the way through the month!  Where’s it going so fast?  

Wait a second.  With only one-third of the month gone by, we can hardly say that May has passed us by.  As a matter of fact, we are not even halfway through the month!  We still have three weeks of Mental Health Awareness to go!

Let’s use the same comparison with another subject.  Only one-third of persons with some kind of diagnosable mental health disorder are actually provided any kind of treatment.  That is because two-thirds of persons either avoid treatment or cannot gain access to the treatment.  That’s incredible that less than half of people actually get any help!  What’s wrong with this picture?  Two-thirds is an awful lot of people!  Think of all the challenges this creates for the workplace, families, and social life.  Can’t something be done about this?

Public education may be a significant key to addressing this problem.  Through public awareness, we can encourage people to exercise strategies for improved mental healthiness such as prevention, awareness, and early detection.  

The Grace Christian Counseling Center has participated in programs connected to mental health screenings to educate the public about various mental health problems.  One program we have participated in recently was National Depression Screening Day which was created to increase awareness about depression related disorders.  A website about this event is http://www.nmha.org/go/depression-screening-day.  

http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com


Walter L. Frazier, Ph.D., LPC, NCC

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The month of May is Mental Health Awareness Month.   We have so many "awareness" months, you can get a bit anesthetized to the concept.  In addition to Mental Health Awareness Month, May also is:

Multiple Sclerosis Awareness Month

Huntington's Disease Awareness Month

Osteoporosis Awareness and Prevention Month

 Cystic Fibrosis Month

National Stroke Awareness Month

Melanoma/Skin Cancer Detection & Prevention Month

National Arthritis Month

Better Sleep Month

Asthma and Allergy Awareness Month

National High Blood Pressure Education Month

Better Hearing and Speech Month

National Lupus Awareness Month

National Cancer Research Month

Correct Posture Month

National Neurofibromatosis Month

Hepatitis Awareness Month

Lyme Disease Awareness Month

According to www.zombieresearch.org, May is also Zombie Awareness Month. 

Given all the options, it may be relatively simple to ignore the fact that Mental Health Awareness is a impressively important matter.

Not to diminish the importance of all the other issues of the Month of May, but mental health concerns affect all of us in one way or another.  Here's some important statistics from the National Institute of Mental Health website:

An estimated 1 in 4 American adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year.

That's 57.7 million people!

In addition, mental disorders are the leading cause of disability in the U.S. and Canada for ages 15-44.

Mental disorders are one of the top five most costly health conditions in the U.S. with expenditures of 57.5 billion in 2006.   Mental health conditions rank up there with cancer and heart conditions.

Despite the cost and prevalence of mental health disorders, two-thirds of people receive no help at all!  Can you imagine if two-thirds of heart patients and cancer patients received no treatment at all?

I could go on with the statistics.  They are staggering.  The real question is, "What do we do about it?"

The answer is awareness!  Actually, the larger answer is prevention.  Awareness is an important part of the strategy.  Awareness encourages early detection.  Awareness improve access to care.  Awareness supports positive coping strategies.  Awareness reduces stigma.

That's why we do Mental Health Awareness Month.  Throughout the month, I will be posting information on my Facebook page that will focus upon better awareness.  Check it out!

http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com/grace-blog.html

Walter

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Do you remember what a sea-saw is?  Some people call them teeter-totters.  They must be considered somewhat dangerous, because I don't see them around much anymore.  I can remember old sea-saws, long metal frames with wooden seats.  They would slowly squeak as you and your playmate move up and down.

I like to compare any kind of relationship to an old sea-saw.  If the two partners in the relationship desire mutuality, the sea-saw teaches us a lot about how a mutual relationship works.  Think about it, the person that is in the down position is in the power position for just a moment.  He or she gets to decide how soon and how fast to push up.  The other partner simply has to wait her or his turn.  Once this action occurs, the power is shifted to the other partner.  As the sea-saw goes back and forth, the squeaking noise reminds us that we have a relationship going.

Here's the reality check in this metaphor:  What happens when one partner kicks his feat up onto the sea-saw and refuses to do his part.  In real relationships, this comes across as one partner refusing to take responsibility for her actions:  the alcoholic, the always spoiled rotten, whining teenager, the co-worker that dumps all his work on somebody else.  This person shirks responsibility as if bestowed by some divine entitlement.  Whoever it is, this person remains in the power position while the other hangs out waiting and hoping the the relationship will move forward.

Now, here's the way we tend to do the impossible.  While most of us would tell a child to simply get off the sea-saw and go play on the swing, our relationships are often much more complicated than simple playground rules.  We can't simply leave our partner just like that.  So, we attempt the impossible, something we would never suggest a child even attempt.  The powerless partner jumps down and runs behind behind the irresponsible partner to LIFT!  Think about it.  In the short term, the idea makes sense.  The sea-saw is squeaking as this partner assumes responsibility for the whole relationship, lift and lower, up and down.  Single-handedly, the over-responsible partner makes it work.  But, wow that is a backbreaking job!  No wonder the person doing all this heavy lifting is squawking!

And to make matters worse, this desperate move only encourages more irresponsibility.  The partner still on the sea-saw gets to enjoy the sea-saw in motion without having to lift a finger, much less push with his or her legs.  This partner might even be heard saying, "What's wrong, the relationship is working just fine, no problems."  And if this partner happened to put his feet on the ground and do the pushing, the sea-saw doesn't actually work with only one person on the sea-saw.  So where's the motivation?

The solution to this problem is for the over-responsible partner to get back up on the sea-saw, communicate what is needed, and wait.  This will allow the other partner to discover that she is not experiencing the squeaking of a functional relationship either.

If this partner remains committed to putting forth no energy at the cost of experiencing no relationship at all, then the stuck partner can realize the lack of commitment being demonstrated.  It is impossible to assess this level of commitment from the position of lifting and lowering your partner.  You have to risk discovering you have no relationship. 

What do I do next?  "Swing set, here I come!"

This might mean that the partner steps back from the relationship, leaves, or holds the other accountable in some fashion.  Whatever the move is, knowing that your partner is more committed to his or her laziness than to the benefits of your relationship together is very instructive.

See, there were things we learned on the playground.  I wonder why it's so hard to apply it to real life, though?

Walter

http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com

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Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends.

Have you recently ended a love relationship and now find that you are feeling hurt and confused? If so you are not alone. It doesn’t matter whether you have been in the relationship for one year or for forty years; whether you are the one that ends the relationship or your partner is, the end is still painful. You will need time to heal the wounds and come to terms with the changes happening in your life. For most of us feelings such as anger, rejection, grief, guilt, loneliness, and fear get mixed together.

We find ourselves in a whirlwind of emotions unable to see a way through the dust-cloud. The pain that is present during this time can be used as a motivator to move your life forward. This can be done by taking back control
of your life instead of letting the emotional confusion of the separation lead you on a downward spiral. You learn how to turn your crisis into a creative experience. It is not easy to move forward, it can be scary at times and seem like hard work, but the end result is worth it. Here at Grace Christian Counseling Center we have a program for people who would like to work through the pain of separation. By joining one of our divorce recovery/relationship rebuilding groups you will be working with people who understand what you are going through. The program, designed by Dr. Bruce Fisher, is a ten-week seminar that guides you through this journey one
rebuilding block at a time.

Outline and Overview

·    The rebuilding blocks help you make your crisis into a creative
experience.
·    Adaptaion: You may have learned and developed adaptive behavior when
growing up  in order to get your needs met. This behavior may become
maladaptive in adult life and we need to learn more authentic ways of
behaving.
·    Grief: The ending of a relationship is a terrible loss. Grieving is part
of the natural healing process.
·    Anger: By resolving anger you will be able to find forgiveness for
yourself and your former love partner.
·    Self-Worth: Improving your feelings of self-worth will help you move
beyond pain and find the strength to grow.
·    Transition: After improving your self-worth you are emotionally stronger
and ready to experience personal growth.
·    Openness: You have been using a great deal of emotional energy trying to
be someone other than who you really are. You may choose to be free to be
you.
·    Love: It is okay to love yourself. The more you are able to love yourself,
the more you can authentically love others.
·    Relatedness: The relationships that develop following the ending of an
important relationship can be an important part of your growing process.
·    Sexuality: You long for emotional intimacy but you’re afraid.
Understanding your own sexuality, and learning more about the way others
feel will be very helpful for your future growth.

For more information please call the counseling center 601-636-5703
http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com

Anne Sinclair, MSCP, LPC, NCC

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So, what if you woke up tomorrow morning and that nagging problem you have been facing over the past several days has miraculously changed for the better, how might you act differently?  Would you be more optimistic and confident?  Would you be willing to take a risk, or would you be a little more cautious?  Maybe you would relax more, even feel less irritable? 

http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com/grace-blog.html

So many times our "problems" are the primary focus of nearly all our energy:  taxes and bills that are past due, marital conflict that persists, behavioral problems with the children, or a health issue that just will not go away.  These are just examples. 

Whatever we are facing, it is often easy to become "problem saturated."  This occurs when we focus so much on the problem, we fail to see anything more than the implications of the problem.  I've heard people say, "I have so many bills, I can't even move."  "I get calls from the school nearly every day, I must be a terrible parent!"  "I'm never going to get over this health problem, I'll be sick the rest of my life."  You get the picture?

So what is the alternative?  Instead of remaining problem focused, we can choose to be solution focused.  Focusing more attention upon the solution can be very productive.  In counseling, one of the many theoretical approaches we use is call Solution Focused Therapy.  Several theorists created variations of this strategy, but family systems theorists Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg and their team at the Brief Family Therapy Center in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, created several techniques we now refer to as Solution Focused Therapy. 

You don't have to have a degree in counseling to understand some of the concepts behind this approach.  A basic premise of this concept is the idea that all of us have within us the capacity to solve our problems.  The challenge may be in eliciting those solutions.  Here are just a few ideas:

·         The Miracle Question:  So what if you woke up tomorrow morning and discovered that the problem you've been facing has all of a sudden changed for the better?  What would you be doing differently?  How might you think, act, or feel?  Your answer to this question may be part of the solution.  For example, you might say that you would be more active in your day to day activities if your health problems were to miraculously get better.  What if you sought out physician approved methods to become more active first rather than wait for your health to improve?

·         The Exception to the Rule:  In almost any situation, we can look back over our life and recall a situation in which we solved a similar problem.  Sure, things may be different today, but we can learn a lot from our own past experiences.  If you stop to think about it, you may have been stuck in a similar place before, and you got out.  How can be recover again?

·         Scale It:  Sometimes it is helpful to put a number to it.  For instance, ask yourself, or share with another person, how you are experiencing the problem based on a scale from 1 to 10.  For instance, your frustration with the kids might be an 8 on the scale.  With 1 representing absolutely no frustration and 10 representing extremely high frustration, an 8 is very high.  What would you have to do to move your frustration level down to a more manageable number such as 3?  Have you ever experienced this number before?  What was happening then?

Changing your focus from a problem saturated perspective to a more solution focused approach may be a key step toward improving your situation.

Walter

http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com/grace-blog.html

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Grace from the Well

http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com/grace-blog.html

The Samaritan Woman at the Well - John 4:4-42

As you may recall, the story of Jesus' encounter with a Samaritan woman at Jacob's well demonstrated Jesus' love and compassion for persons experiencing struggle and hard times.  Jesus and his disciples were traveling through Samaria, and while the disciples went to town to get some food, Jesus sat by Jacob's well.  While he was there, Samaritan woman came to draw water, and Jesus strikes up a conversation with her.  He recounts her life story, particularly the part about her having been married numerous times.  He also offers her "living water" which promises to quench her thirst forever.  Amazed with his offer and his insight, she recognizes his identity as the Christ, and she runs back to her village to tell everyone.

To me, the story of the Samaritan Woman at the Well tells of how Jesus surprises his followers with his ability to reach through barriers and boundaries.  This bold crossing of lines exemplifies the mission of the Grace Christian Counseling Center.

You could imagine that the Samaritan woman was probably quite heavy burdened with her own set of circumstances.  Now, let's offer a little bit more credit than interpreters have tended to give her.  In the conversation, Jesus recalls her own life story, her story of having multiple husbands.  There's no real explanation for this circumstance, but nowhere in the story does it allude to her being a harlot.  Yet she has often been seen in this very negative light.  Some historians would remind us that a woman in those times lacked any stature without being connected to a man, usually through marriage.  It is not entirely improbable that her first husband had died, and one of the brothers was obliged to take her in as a wife.  As a woman, she depended upon this custom, and even in her latest circumstance, she was simply living in some man's house, possibly for protection.

Her response to Jesus recalling this story was excitement, not shame.  He understood her dilemma.  She had been batted around from tragedy to tragedy, no identity, left to fend for herself.  And here at the well, Jesus offers her compassion, understanding, and life through the living water.

Now, don't get me wrong, this conversation was certain notorious, but for reasons other than her multiple marriages.  The traditions of the times were a big factor in this conversation.  Jesus was a Jewish man.  In those times, Jewish men did not speak to women in public, much less a Samaritan woman.  Samaritans were considered unclean and outcasts.  While their ancestors were related to the Jews of Jerusalem, those ancestors had married outsiders.  This made the whole clan of Samaritans unclean.  Yet, Jesus was willing to reach across this boundary.  He offered no judgment; he offered no ultimatums or strings attached.  He offered only his promise of living water.

To me, Jesus actions in all three of these stories exemplify the mission of the Grace Christian Counseling Center.  It is our mission to reach out to persons regardless of the barriers that suggest we cannot.  About 12 years ago, Wayne Webster, the minister at Crawford Street UMC, along with Steve Bryant from here at First Presbyterian and David Elliot from Holy Trinity Episcopal, concocted the notion that the three churches should sponsor a counseling center here in Vicksburg.  Wayne approached me, I was just about to graduate from Mississippi College with a degree in counseling, and he asked me if I would be willing to take on the idea.  I loved it.  Our goal was to create a professional counseling service for persons in our area regardless of the financial resources available to pay for those services.

That was in 1998.  One year later, the Surgeon General, David Satcher, reported that the two greatest barriers to access to mental health services is stigma and finances.  At Grace, we had already begun the mission of combating these two barriers by offering a church supported counseling center that works hard to help people pay for the services we offer.

In my mind, we are striving to follow in the exact footsteps of Jesus.  With these stories of giving hope, connecting with people on intimate levels, and listening to their stories, we are doing as Christ exemplified.  We are reaching across boundaries and connecting people with that which they need.  We don't place expectations on people, we don't judge them according to the grapevine historians, we don't place limitations on their access.

Yet, increasingly, we are managing the complexities of our healthcare system.  Regardless of your position on recent changes in the future of the healthcare system, you have to understand that the process of filing claims and collecting fees from insurance companies often seems like an adversarial relationship.  We work hard to try to bridge the gap between professional counseling services and the resources people have to pay for those services.  We do this through fundraising, seeking donations, relationships with churches and community organizations such as the United Way, and, yes, through haggling with insurance companies, too.

We will continue to work hard to make a difference, and I thank all those that have supported the Grace Christian Counseling Center through prayers, donations, and encouragement.  We need all the help we can get.

Be sure to check out our web page at http://www.gracechristiancounselingcenter.com.  You can email me at walter@walterfrazier.com.

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